Healthy self-esteem has always been my personal challenge. Not feeling good enough, smart enough, pretty enough; all of the “not-enough s”. Always looking for the approval of others, or allowing their perceived opinions to play a significant role in my decisions. “Truth or Consequences” was my church's first sermon of 2019. In a nutshell, when God gives a directive, you make the decision to see it through or not. To accept God’s truth or the world’s. Each decision, yay or nay, comes with its own consequence.
As I reflected on the message and how it applied to my life, The Holy Spirit revealed two decisions that were deeply buried. Several years ago, while still a member of my home church, God began to tug at my heart. I was experiencing what I would come to realize was the call into the Ministry. At the same time, another younger woman came forward accepting her call and was ultimately licensed. Low self esteem kicked in: Certainly I’m not as smart as she is (being smart has nothing to do with who God calls), people will think that I am just trying to copy her, what will people think? Ultimately, I did not acknowledge my call until a few years later.
At the same time, again not recognizing what was happening, I began to feel the call to a seminary education. Unfortunately for me, a dear friend expressed an interest in attending seminary. She did not feel called to vocational ministry, but was a Lay leader at her church and wanted to further her education. At that time, I had the means and desire for seminary but again allowed low self-esteem and the fear of being considered a copycat keep me from enrolling (Ultimately, neither did she). Those two decisions greatly affected how and when my licensing and Ordination would come.
Just like the Hebrews spent 40 years in the desert because of disobedience, God said, I called you, but you ignored me because of what you perceived to be truth rather than what I told you. Now, I will still get My glory. You will be all I ordained you to be, but you will have to take a desert journey to get there. Almost ten years passed from the time I acknowledged my call until my Ordination. During that time, my window for seminary closed, and I watched countless other women accept their call, attend seminary and become ordained while I cheered them on from the sidelines.
But that's not how this story ends. Psalm 46:10 says “Be still and know that I am God”. God made a way through the desert just like He parted the Red Sea. I was placed under the pastorate of a nurturing, but serious Woman of God who stressed “no Ordination without serious denominationally approved educational preparation”. During those desert years, my feet were put to the fire through years of service as a licensed, but not ordained Associate Minister. God opened the windows of heaven and pored out the blessing of a three year track of study created and approved by our American Baptist Denomination. On January 7th 2018, I became: Reverend Kathryn Johnson, to the glory of God.
Why am I sharing this? To let you know you are not what the world says you are. You are who GOD SAYS YOU ARE! You are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14), created in the image of God (Genesis 1:27), the head not the tail, above not beneath (Deuteronomy 28:13). Don't allow negative feelings of low self-worth, low self-esteem keep you from listening to God’s calling. Your call made be to something totally different, but God has ordained each of us to do something that is uniquely for us. Pray that you will recognize the voice of The Holy Spirit and heed His urging. Pray for God’s truth not what you perceive as truth. Avoid a wilderness journey, but if you find yourself in the wilderness, know that God is with you and will make a way for you through the wilderness. Your wrong decision may make the journey longer, but you’ll make it through with the help of the Lord. Just make sure you learn the lesson of the desert so as not to revisit it.
